In my experience breaking up isn’t as hard to do as the song suggests. The actual break-up is usually short and sweet. The hard part is the much longer good-bye that takes place inside your own head for months, sometimes years, after the relationship ends. The things you were too polite to say; the things you wish you’d said but you know they couldn’t hear, and; the questions you wish you’d asked but knew they wouldn’t answer honestly.
NOTE: Names have been changed to protect the guilty.
Dear Garei (pronounced Gary),
I know you think spelling your name strangely makes you unique and interesting but really it just makes people think your parents were stupid. No, I don’t think smoking pot and drinking daily is a normal pastime for a middle-aged male unless he’s a total loser. It’s called addiction. Did you really think a woman would continue to respect a man who couldn’t make it home from the bar without stopping for more beer at the grocery store and then had to ask her to come in with him because he didn’t have any money to pay for it himself?
I told you the first day we met that I had no problems dating a recovering alcoholic but that if you ever took another drink the only word you’d hear from me again was good-bye. Did you think I was kidding?
You have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder to such an extent that you can’t fit anything, or anyone, new into your daily routine. Astronauts go to the moon with less planning than it takes you to go to Hawaii for a week. Just for the record, having sex between 3 and 6 in the afternoon won’t fit most working women’s schedules even if that is the only time of the day when your “mojo” is working. Plus, it was just plain stingy of you not to share your blueberries with a woman you were willing to share your bed with.
I can’t believe you didn’t even call to apologize after the woman you failed to mention you were living with chased me across the yard and tried to pummel me. I was pleased to note as I drove away that she had redirected her aim toward the true villain of the affair.
Exactly how long had you been sleeping with the woman you told me you’d “just met”?
I vacillated for months between wondering if you were the cruelest man I ever dated, or simply the craziest, until one day a good friend reminded me that the two are not mutually exclusive.
Please stop calling me. No, I’m not mad. Sadly I never cared enough to get mad. The truth is you simply bore me.
You’d pull me towards you and as soon as I got close you’d push me away. I still can’t decide if it amused your ego or if you really were that confused. Regardless, it was suppose to be a relationship – not a swing set.
We haven’t broken up yet. We’ve barely begun to see each other. But you did say you’d like to see your name on my BLOG.
When you do break up with me I suspect you’ll do it using very few words in the same strong, responsible, calm way you take care of everything else.
October 6, 2011