From the outside Meredith Blaine looked like a woman who had a full life. She had experienced things that most people never would. She’d traveled the world; met many famous, and some infamous, people, drove alone across America, skied the Italian Alps, rode an elephant in India, a camel in Israel, and a horse across the plains of Australia.
It was years before she realized that not everyone felt things with the same level of passionate intensity that she did. When she loved someone she loved them to the point of aching. She bonded immediately and would do anything for those she cared about. She never played games. She was honest to a fault. When she cared for someone she let them know. When they walked away she felt a pain that was indescribable.
She woke each day hopeful that she would meet a man who would understand and cherish her. She met many men – she married two of them — she entertained them, they talked, they walked, they danced, they shared meals, they shared history, they shared stories, they shared sex – but always, for one reason or another, it ended.
There were professional men, educated men, simple men, working stiffs, artists; it didn’t seem to matter what their background was, where they came from, what they did for a living. Apparently men never felt for her the type of love that caused them to feel a lasting connection. She studied the women she knew who seemed to have wonderful relationships and simply could not understand what it was that she was lacking. She could attract a man, she attracted plenty of men, but none of them seemed to have staying power. Men were drawn to her for her outgoing personality and passion for life and then immediately upon getting her began the mission to change her.
Her latest heartbreak had been over a year ago and she still thought of him almost daily. She had been attracted to him from the moment they met. She was tapping her foot impatiently waiting for her carry out order at Louis’ and he started a conversation with her, finally suggesting they eat there rather than taking their orders back to their empty apartments. They had gotten to know each other slowly and when he finally asked to make love to her she had wanted nothing more. The courtship had lasted longer than the actual relationship. Her time with Charles was over almost before it began for reasons she still couldn’t understand.
Meredith sat alone in her doorman apartment on the upper west side of Manhattan and wondered why she bothered any more. What exactly was the point of getting up each morning and continuing on when every day was the same as the day before? She got up, made herself beautiful, went into the office and managed all the issues that came up with intelligence and finesse and then came home to her stunningly decorated but very empty apartment. She laughed sometimes thinking that most people would be shocked to know that Meredith Blaine spent most nights alone ordering in from the many fine restaurants in her neighborhood and watching reruns of NCIS on TV.
This particular night she felt empty and tired beyond anything a good night’s sleep could help her recover from. She got up from her favorite chair and went to the medicine chest to get the sleeping pills her doctor had given her at her last visit. She stared at the prescription bottle for a long time and then she sat down at her antique desk and began to write her good-bye.
September 7, 2010
I write to you because I know you’ll be the one who finds me. You will be the one who finally wonders where I’ve been, what I’ve been up to, and worries enough about me to come find out. After calling, texting and emailing me for a couple of days without a response you’ll spend at least an hour looking everywhere for the key I gave you last year (finally finding it in the basket on your dresser) and you’ll let yourself in and find my body. I hope it’s not too gruesome for you. I tried to make myself as presentable as possible. I don’t know if that will make it easier for you, or worse.
I know you won’t understand. You of all people, the one who has always been content with her life just the way it turned out, won’t be able to understand how achingly empty my life has become. I will try and write something here that will help you understand.
I know it’s not politically correct to say all you want is a man who cherishes you and your life will be complete but, let’s face it, I’ve already got everything else and truly that is the one thing I’ve always wanted and that has always eluded me. All the education, world travel and wild experiences in the world can’t top the look I see in Jim’s eyes when he’s watching you from across the room. He truly thinks you are the most wonderful woman in the world and you can tell he still feels like the luckiest man on earth that you agreed to share your life with him.
No man has ever felt that for me. Do you know how it feels to have been married twice, and to never have a man buy you a ring or ask you the question? As you well know, both my husband’s had to be pushed, pulled and prodded down the aisle. And neither of them, nor any man since, has ever looked at me with the love struck joy in his eyes that Jim has when he gazes at you.
So two marriages, an incredible career, and no children later…what has it all gotten me?–empty nights and emptier days. My world is filled with activities but I’ve apparently failed miserably at the most meaningful part of life, human relationships.
The phone rang and Meredith wondered out loud if she should answer it. “It may be an emergency”, she thought as she picked up the phone.
Dottie dialed her friend Meredith’s number hoping she would be home. She just had to tell her the good news. Her daughter, Laura, had just been chosen for the lead in an off Broadway musical. Laura knew it was mostly Meredith who had given her daughter the courage to be herself and go for her dream. She was always there for the kids one hundred percent and she had an enormous impact on the young woman Laura had become. Thinking back, she didn’t know how she would have gotten through being a working Mom with three kids under the age of five if Meredith hadn’t stepped in to help and be there for them.
“Hi Mer, How are you? I just had to call and tell you Laura got the part!”
“That’s wonderful, Dottie, is she over the moon?”
“That’s putting it mildly. She started memorizing her lines the moment they called. She really feels like this could be the beginning of something for her but she also keeps reminding me what you told her, success is doing what you love every day. Wait, here she is, I know she’ll want to talk to you.”
“Hi Mama Mer, did Mom tell you?”
“Yes, sweetie, she did. I’m so happy for you. I know it’s what you wanted. Have you met the rest of the cast?”
“Not everyone, but remember that gorgeous man we saw in “Grease” at the Playhouse last year? He’ll be playing opposite me. It could prove to be very interesting!”
“You have fun sweetie. I know it will be a lot of work and many late nights, but just remember to have fun and enjoy yourself along the way.”
“I will Mama Mer. Every day I remember how you told me to be true to myself and do what makes me feel good in my soul. If I hadn’t done that all these years I wouldn’t be here now. Thanks for always being there. I’m going to be certain you have tickets with Mom and Dad for opening night. You’ll come won’t you?”
“You know I’ll be there if I can. Tell your Mom good-bye for me sweetheart. I love you.”
“Love you too Mama Mer. Bye.”
To be continued…..